Legend of Zelda Obsession 101
by Josatex
Summary: Some ways to tell if you're a real hard-core fan. I haven't done most of them, but I fully intend to sometime in life. What's funner than scaring the crap out of people with your unhealthy obsession?
1. Chapter 1

**You know your Legend of Zelda obsession has gotten a bit out of hand when….**

**A/N: Hi, I've been meaning to do a Zelda fic for a while! I am a big Zelda nerd, so some of these things are true. Not all, but some. Keyword being "some"…. ANYWAYS, I hope this gives you a good laugh! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable. And if you don't recognize anything, well, that sucks for you. Deal with it and wiki it or something.**

-You make the desktop background to your computer Zelda Wallpaper. (Here's the instruction as to how to actually do it: Find a picture on the internet, it has to be fairly large, maybe 800 by 800 or something similarly large. Right-click on it and select "Save picture as" from the menu that comes up. Save it in your pictures, then go to your pictures and left-click on it again. One of the options that come up is "Set as desktop background". Choose that, and presto! You have a Zelda background!)

-You have every single Zelda game ever made. And every other game that features Link and/or Zelda, e.g., Super Smash Brothers Brawl. (Awesome game!)

-You have arguments with your Mario-fan best friend about who is cooler, Link or Mario. (I win every time! Take that mushroom lovers!)

-You worship Nintendo.

-You DESPISE the CD-I games and your life's ambition is to hunt down every copy and feed them to the monster that created them. (No offense to anyone who actually likes them)

-You learn that the currency in some African country is Rupees while you're in the library doing a social studies project and start to freak out.

-Whenever you see a vaguely yellow spider, you immediately squish it and scream out "I found a gold skulltula!"

-Green is your absolute favourite colour.

-You dub all redheads gerudos and try to kill them at all costs. (Okay, **I **don't do this. I have nothing against redheads. My best friend is a redhead for goodness sake.)

-You actually buy an ocarina and play some of the songs in the game.

-Then you get real disappointed when you don't actually transport to the temple of time.

-You have attempted to make a timeline for the games. And went completely bonkers doing it. (I swear it's completely impossible, unless you count the split timeline theory. Stupid Nintendo…)

-You draw a triforce on your hand and claim to be a chosen one of the goddesses.(I would never do this, just for the record)

-You collect empty bottles, cut grass looking for money, and lift rocks twice your size with ease.

-You go randomly into people's houses to smash their pots and jars, fully expecting them not to care or notice.

-You go up to people and are surprised that they don't say the same thing over and over.

-You try to make red, blue and green potions in your chemistry class. Them you drink them, expecting to get an energy or magic boost from them. Even if you have no clue what you put in them. Yummy.

-You try archery for fun.

-You have a completely uncontrollable urge to beat up anyone who insults Zelda in front of you.

-You throw carrots at horses, thinking it will make them run faster. Suuuuure Nintendo.

-You name your horse Epona.

-You tape feathers to a pear of ugly brown winter boots and fully expect them to allow you to hover in midair for short amounts of time. You try them out during the school trip to the Grand Canyon.

-You see an iguana and scream, "Ahhhh, it's a Dodongo! Flee you fools, flee!"

-You yell at people who say link is a leprechaun because he wears green. Then you make them play the games.

-You've beaten all of the games multiple times and boast about it to everyone you meet.

-You ask random people in your class whether or not they've played Zelda. If they say yes, have a complete spaz about how awesome the games are and ask them a million difficult-to-answer questions about their experience.

-If you've done the last one, congratulations, you just scared them away from Zelda for the rest of that person's life.

-You read and/or write Zelda fanfiction.

**A/N: Well, what did you think? I got a few of these from elsewhere, so please do not sue me. I have a really crappy lawyer. Lol. If you want another chapter, review and let me know.**


	2. Chapter 2

**You know your Legend of Zelda obsession has gotten way out of hand when….**

**A/N: Wow, some people actually liked this fic, lol. Due to the interest of the public, I have decided to add another chapter! Oh jubilation!**

29. You find/ make a sword and try to model it after the Master Sword.

30. You then go around bopping anyone who doesn't like or care about Zelda over the head with it.

31. In sewing class you make a green pointy hat. Extra points if you make a tunic or boots.

32. You go into mask stores looking for masks like the ones in Majora's Mask, (i.e. Bunny hood, Bremen mask, Don Gero mask Stone mask, Romani's mask, Goron mask, Deku mask, Zora mask, Kafei's mask, you get the idea.)

33. You dress up as link or Zelda for Halloween. Oh, and don't be Zelda if you're a boy. That's just creepy.

34. You stalk Miyamito.

35. You go to and know of every single Zelda site on the internet.

36. And you have an account on every one of them.

37. You spend every waking hour on Zelda for three days. And you totally think it's worth it.

38. You catch a firefly in a bottle and claim you caught a real fairy.

39. All you have on you iPod/ mp3 player is Zelda related music

40. You walk into the pool wearing a blue shirt and iron boots, fully expecting to be able to breathe and walk around. The lifeguard is not very happy. Not very happy at all.

41. You throw dandelions at people thinking they're really bomb flowers. BOOM.

42. You paint a chicken blue. (Random….)

43. Your room is full of Zelda posters ordered from Nintendo.

44. You buy the Nintendo wii just so you can play twilight princess.

45. You pick up large leaves and jump off trees with them, expecting to safely parachute down. And when it doesn't work you think it's because you're out of magic power and drink some green Gatorade. You then try again, much to the amusement of onlookers.

46. You're looking at this list nodding your head while saying, "Done this, done that, done that, going to do that…"

47. You shoot arrows at the sun, hoping they'll turn into fire arrows when they come back down. Just for the record this makes no sense unless you disregard the laws of physics, which is NOT a smart thing to do. Trust me, I've tried.

48. You go to one of those nerd-filled video-game conventions as Link. Just like 37 other people with the exact same costume.

49. You have noticed the multiple similarities between Link and peter pan. (Fairies, green clothes, etc.)

**A/N: Yay for nerds!**


	3. Chapter 3

**You know your Legend of Zelda obsession has gotten way out of hand when….**

**A/N: Sorry for not updating, I had this annoying little thing called life to deal with. The little bugger keeps getting in the way. Here goes the 3****rd**** chappie.**

50. Your sister finally holds you down and duct tapes your mouth shut because you won't stop talking about Legend of Zelda.

51. You argue with people on multiple forums about the timeline theories.

52. You accidently have called octopuses' (spelling?), octoroks on several occasions.

53. Every time there is a full moon, you try to convince your parents to move out of town, on the grounds that the moon will soon fall and crush the town in question. Oddly enough, they don't believe you.

54. You randomly jump from extreme heights, fully expecting to land in a somersault roll and survive with minimal injuries.

55. You put pears on your head at the beach, trying to coax seagulls into landing on it. When people question you, say that if a seagull eats a pear, you can possess it. This'll get you some funny looks from people.

56. You swear jello is made from chuchus. You also attempt to convince people that the really long ingredients list is just there to confuse you.

57. During Halloween, you see a kid in one of those skeleton costumes. Drawing your fake master sword, you go over to them and whap them with it, claiming they are a stalchild.

58. You try to somersault roll up stairs.

59. You bring necklaces with butterflies on them to your teacher, thinking she'll give you the deed to her summer cabana in the southern Pacific Ocean.

60. You throw walnuts on the pavement on the way to school. You also throw them at people you meet, expecting the "Deku nut" to stun them.

61. You constantly puzzle over why link's keys break or are left in the lock every time he uses them.

62. You read and hunt down Zelda web comics. (Go to Awkward Zombie, they have the best on the internet in my opinion.)

63. You spray-paint your mom's garden gloves gold, and then try to lift a car.

64. You plant a bean and throw some water on it. After five minutes, you are bamboozled as to why it didn't grow into a huge plant that floats.

65. You jump down deep, presumably endless, holes without a second thought, fully expecting to find treasure.

66. You then stand directly underneath the hole where the light comes through and expect to hover safely back up.

67. During winter, you encase something (or someone… but I don't encourage this), in ice. You then dash inside and grab a glass bottle filled with boiling water. You pour the tiny bottle of water on the huge ice… I dunno, sculpture? Oddly enough, it doesn't melt the entire thing. Gee, I wonder why…

68. You refuse to take out your sword inside because link doesn't ever do it.

69. Same as the previous for sleeping and going to the washroom.

70. You call mermaids the Zora.

71. Mask salesmen scare the *Navi* out of you.

72. You use *Navi* censoring. (It's explained on Exploding Deku Nut).

73. You insist on living in a tree house.

**A/N: Review if you want more! And does anyone know the plural for octupus? I haven't got a clue, and if you tell me, I'll give you a virtual cookie! I'm holding out for 10 more reviews until I update!**


	4. Chapter 4

**You know your Legend of Zelda obsession has gotten way out of hand when….**

**A/N: Methinks this'll be the last chapter.**

74. You fall off a cliff and think that you'll be able to catch yourself at the last moment.

73. When you fall, you scream only when you're halfway to the bottom.

75. On your way down, you aren't afraid knowing you'll reincarnate back on the cliff edge, completely unharmed.

76. At Easter, you wear a pair of bunny ears and try to jump/run really fast.

77. You cut down a tree/break some pottery, go inside, come back outside again, and are stunned when you see the tree/pottery is still the same as when you left it.

78. You break into your sister's room and go up to her jewelry chest. You then proceed to raid it, holding up each and every item in the chest while humming 'da da da daaaaa'.

79. Whenever you see an owl, you scream and cover your ears while running in the opposite direction.

80. You wave a stick at statues, expecting them to move.

81. You only wear red, blue or green shirts. (Link's tunic colours)

82. You try to become a 'poe-hunter'. It's kind of like a ghost hunter, only with poes.

83. You actually know that the twilight princess map is the same as the ocarina of time map mirrored.

84. When at a bar, you ask for milk. Or a milk latte.

85. Whenever you see someone in one of those pointy elf hats at Christmas, you call them 'Link impersonators'.

86. Or you think they're Tingle, so you try to kill them.

87. You have indeed tried to blow a snot bubble as big as the one Deku link can do in majora's mask.

88. You then try to pop young children's balloons with the aforementioned snot bubble.

89. You have a pet theory that you defend fiercely.

90. As you continue to read this list, you find yourself smiling and nodding while saying "done this, done that, done this, done that, going to do that, doing this…"

91. You want your gravestone to have "Game over" written on it.

92. You use a slingshot to kill spiders.

93. Those glass pebbles you can buy in dollar stores are now "rupees".

94. You dress up as Link for Halloween and are extremely disappointed when nobody gets the reference.

95. All your avatars, signatures, etc, are related to Zelda.

96. Whenever anyone mentions the CD-I games, you go on a rampage.

97. You can play Ocarina songs on any instrument.

98. You steal a horse from a ranch and expect no one to care or notice.

99. You watch where you step, afraid of squishing any minish.

100. You talk to a really ugly statue and claim it's ganon from WW.

101. You've read this entire list.

**A/N: Phew, finally done. Thanks to everyone who offered a plural for octopus in their review! **


End file.
